The Other Type of Love

When you think of a loving person you probably envision someone gazing at you with kindness in their eyes, a gentle smile on their face, and their arms open, welcoming you into their loving hug.

Well, that's one side of love. But there's another side of love that's not so wonderful.

Each time we're birthed onto this planet we come here for the purpose of having experiences from which we learn. The way we humans are wired is that we seem to learn more from the negative experiences than from the happy, warm, loving experiences.

We can't have these learning experiences all by ourselves, so we enlist the aid of others to help us. We create contracts or agreements with others who will assist us in having the experiences we need in order to learn about whatever it is we're choosing to learn this lifetime.

Some of those contracts are personal, such as difficult relationships with parents or mates. In each relationship, both parties are teaching and both are learning. For example, the abuser may be learning about how power can be misused and become destructive. The victim might be learning about the effects of giving their power away to others and the damaging effects this causes to them.

Some contracts are global, created as a result of the collective consciousness of humanity desiring a particular experience. When this happens, the human collective is given the opportunity to take a giant step forward in evolution. An example is Hitler. As a result of the catastrophic horrors he created, humanity gained a new level of awareness and compassion which will never be forgotten.

Whether the experience is personal or global, in each of them there's a Bad Guy who's abusive, harmful, destructive, horrid, mean, nasty, vile... well, you get the picture.

This Bad Guy is actually the other side of love.

When a parent tells a child "No" to their request for something that's not good for them, the child thinks the parent is the Bad Guy.

The truth is that it takes a lot of love to agree to be the Bad Guy just so another person can have an experience and learn from it. Saying "No" to your child isn't easy. Being abusive to someone you love isn't easy. Being hated by the world isn't easy either. But in all cases, the Higher Purpose of the Bad Guy is to help you learn what you wished. Bad Guys are only being bad because they love you so much, and because it's what you asked of them.

Know this: no one wants to be the Bad Guy.

The parent doesn't want to make their child unhappy. But they know that too much candy will make them sick. It's worse for the parent to see their child sick from eating the candy then having the child momentarily unhappy with them for saying "No". The abuser doesn't enjoy being mean to their mate whom they love. But they agreed to do so in order that their beloved mate have an opportunity to learn what they wished.

This doesn't give patent approval for behavior harmful to others. This is meant to give you another perspective of people who have harmed you in the past so that you might glean the learning from the experience they so lovingly gave you.

Once you do so, you go beyond forgiveness. You begin to feel appreciation for how much it hurt them to hurt you and gratitude for the gift of love that they gave you. You gain new awareness of how much they love you. And you begin to feel true love for them... the love that goes beyond human boundaries.

Somewhere Lost Who I Was

When I woke up this morning I recognized I lost myself in you. I realized I am not the person I thought I would be or that I wanted to be.

I questioned myself as to if I can't be myself with you then subsequently should I be with you? Could you be with someone who was not themselves? I have altered myself to be your ideal person; how long will this last because this that you see is not really me. Is this what you really want to see or need? You used to be attracted to a much different individual. What the reason that you are pushing for this imaginary person? Ultimately if I can't discover myself in the end, then who is it that you see? I really love you, however, primarily I must love me first. You need to recognize that you first loved and wanted this person originally you met. This individual that made you laugh. That person whom acted like themselves. You must recognize that I desire to get back to that individual I really am. Love does not equal someone that is a fantasy. There was a time when you looked at me for the person that would intrigue and entice you.

Quit searching outside at a world that is not real and then expecting your partner to be someone that you knew they never were from the start of your relationship. They are who they were and that's what attracted you to this individual.

I am in love with you because of who you are, please never change and never ask me to be someone that I'm not. Relationships can only be built on trueness and honesty. Everyone believes that in a romantic relationship, as the years go on many of us continue to make changes and adjustments as we mature, and sure we revolve around one another and will make changes for each other nevertheless we are still the same individual we started off as.

Therefore let's stick with what's real. You are you, allow me be me, you loved and adored me once and the moment I get back to me you'll love me even more.

The moral of the story is, when you love yourself primarily your partner will love you even more because they will discover the original individual they fell for. Never allow an individual to alter you, if you do, they just modified your soul. You are exactly who you are, therefore, love yourself first and truly believe others will love you too.

Veronica Allen-Anderson, I began writing poetry when I was 13 years of age and spent 25 plus years of exploration and putting to words my observations and passion for understanding people's most intimate emotions. I always try to bring clarity to what is often a complicated landscape involving the heart and the mind. We have a world of people out there hurting and confused. I am an Author and in my dozens of written articles I demystify the tough issues facing people in relationships and offer workable solutions. I help people just like you with relationship questions and issues. I hope my suggestions work for you!

Attending to the Full Degrees of Love

ACCORDING to Bernard of Clairvaux (1090-1153), there are four degrees of love. I'm using his structure below to describe a progression in the mode of spiritual maturity:

1. Loving oneself for one's own sake.

This first degree of love, whilst it sounds basic in its selfish form, is nonetheless vital in the owning of one's existence. If we cannot love ourselves for our own sake, what purpose is there to life? We must love ourselves and believe in ourselves enough to live adequately, because much of the world may appear not to be too bothered about us, personally. If we will not be our own advocates how would we expect another - besides trusting family or good friends - to come to our aid? Only when we love ourselves can we begin to contemplate loving God - or needing God for that matter.

2. Loving God for one's own sake.

It may be a quick step from loving ourselves for our own sake to loving God for our own sake. In loving ourselves we find we cannot provide everything we need. Therefore we need God. This love we have for ourselves means that there is no barrier to God, because we know, through our love for ourselves, that someone or something 'equally' loving has created us. Knowing God has created us, and that he sustains us, we are motivated to love God, but truly for our own benefit.

3. Loving God for God's sake.

At some point in our loving God for our own sake we begin to contemplate loving God for God's sake. When this occurs we know we are maturing into something truly useable for the Kingdom. At this point we have recognised the God deserves our worship for the pure fact he is God. At this point our faith converts to consistent works that glorify our Lord. At this point we care more instantaneously and instinctually. We may readily sacrifice our worldly needs because we value them no more; besides the fact we are beginning to know that coveting nothing is the spiritual nexus.

4. Loving self for God's sake.

Arriving at this degree of love is transcendence as much as anything; to find the truth in the transcending of one's self in order to be consumed by the living God for the purposes of the Kingdom - this is blessed. This degree of maturity is the true losing-your-life-to-save-it reality. Only in doing that - to give oneself up for the unknowable purposes of God - will we find ourselves in the place of loving ourselves for God's sake.